how to get over a guy who used you

So this is probably, like, the 57th article y'all've read after getting dumped. You're probably pretty sick and tired of trying to figure out how to become over "the one that got away" already.

I become information technology.

A lot of "advice" out at that place tries to deconstruct getting over a breakup into these nice little lists, equally if you can get over someone you loved and lost past checking another item off of your list similar yous're going grocery shopping or something. And certain, yous probably should "take time for yourself" and "reconnect with friends" and all that, as we'll run across. Simply to me, all of these things seem like slapping a band-aid on the gaping mankind wound where your center used to be: technically, they don't actually hurt to try, but by themselves, they tin just do so much.

So earlier admonishing you to "get back out at that place," I want you to try to wait at things a little differently first. Getting over an ex has a lot more to do with knowing who y'all are and the story you tell yourself almost your by relationship than it does with trying to mitigate the pain every fourth dimension you're reminded of them. Because that pain is coming, whether you like it or not.

To that end, information technology's a process, not a destination. You have to be patient. I know, that sucks to hear, but the only way around information technology is through information technology.

Then grab that bottle of gin and/or gallon of ice cream and let's tackle this fucker together.

And I know you probably won't believe me when I say this, but information technology really is going to be okay.

Relationships form the basis of meaning in our lives. And not just your interpersonal relationships,^one but even the relationships y'all have with your job or your identity or your possessions. Only because humans rely and then much on our social lives to survive and thrive,² our relationships with each other conduct an extra special weight.

Therefore, when you lose a relationship, especially i that was so important and fundamental to your everyday life, you lose that associated meaning. And to lose meaning is to lose a function of yourself. So all of these things are intimately continued — your relationships, your sense of significant and purpose, and your perception of who you are.

How to get over someone and move on with your life

That feeling of emptiness we all experience when we lose someone we love is actually a lack of meaning and lack of identity. There is, quite literally, a hole inside of ourselves. Everything becomes a blank void, empty of any real purpose, and we might even begin to wonder if there'due south really whatsoever point to life at all.

If you wallow in this kind of thinking for too long, you end up clinging to the past, desperately trying to "fix" everything to somehow get your one-time life back.

Merely the hard pill to consume here is this: part of you is at present expressionless and gone. It'south time to have that and kickoff rebuilding your life so you tin can motion on.

Surrounding yourself with people who truly care about you is probably ane of the most common pieces of communication for getting over someone. It'south great advice, simply it'southward non because you'll only showtime to "feel meliorate" and then forget most the fact that, oh yep, y'all're going to be sleeping solitary tonight, aren't you? And it'south likewise not because these people provide an outlet for you to work through the failed relationship out loud, though that doesn't injure.

No, the real reason is that connecting/reconnecting with people who care well-nigh you volition start to add together pregnant back into your life, the meaning that was so abruptly pulled out from underneath you like a inexpensive dining room rug.

In lodge to restore that meaning through reconnecting with people, however, you demand to make it near more than just you and your past failed relationship. Yep, you need time to vent and to figure things out, and having someone there for that is helpful. But you can't start to rebuild meaning in your life until you lot accept the time to cultivate relationships that are divide and distinct from your sometime relationship and your old self.

Some other way to separate yourself from your past relationship and move on is to take an objective look at what the human relationship was really like. If part of the story you tell yourself is, "We were so perfect for each other. Nosotros should be together forever! Why doesn't he/she come across that?" then I'd bet yous're falling victim to more than than a few biases that you're simply not aware of.

First, we tend to see the past through rose-colored glasses.³ ^, ⁴ "Everything was great back then. Well, maybe non perfect, but like 98% of the time, we were just the best couple ever. What happened?"

The truth is, our memories are pretty shitty,^v ^, ^six and we often only recollect the things that fit into whatever story we want to believe right now. In this case, we remember the adept times most because that'southward what we want our reality to be right now.

How to get over someone - Relationships don't end because two people did something wrong to each other—they end because two people are something wrong for each other

And if you can't considerately run across if/when yous're doing this, information technology'southward possible your relationship failed because, in reality, it was a toxic relationship. Toxic relationships only e'er survive on drama, and as the drama ramps up to proceed the relationship going, yous go dependent on that drama, or even addicted to it.^vii And then you're really fucked because now the pregnant y'all derive from that toxic relationship is skewed and distorted. Yous start thinking that irrational jealousy or controlling behavior or dickish and snide comments were somehow actually signs of their undying honey for you lot.

So I'm hither to tell you this: Relationships don't end because 2 people did something wrong to each other—they stop because two people are something wrong for each other.

It'south incredibly difficult to meet it when you're the i getting dumped, but sometimes, a human relationship needs to end.

In that location seems to be some debate out there nigh whether or not you should take some time to yourself and just be alone for a while. I think you should, and doubly so if your failed relationship was a toxic one.

If your identity has been so wrapped upwardly in a relationship that'southward now gone, well, it's a good time to explore who you are in contexts exterior of that relationship. Rushing out to notice someone to fill that void without really figuring out what you lot desire and what you need (come across below) is a recipe for recurring relationship disaster.

A lot of times, it's this very lack of sensation effectually ane's needs that leads to a relationship falling apart in the first identify. And so one of the best things you can do is figure out who you lot are, what y'all need, and how to get those needs met. And to truly know that, you have to figure information technology out on your own.

Conflicts in relationships well-nigh ever arise because ane or both people aren't getting their needs met in some way. And it's often the case that those needs are either not beingness communicated effectively or someone's needs are being ignored. Either mode, the root cause of the problem is a lack of awareness of one's needs. Relationships finish when someone decides the cost of not getting their needs met is no longer endurable.

Our key emotional needs include⁸:

Status. Feeling important or superior; feeling challenged.
Connection. Feeling understood and appreciated; shared values and experiences.
Security. Feeling safe and reliable; feeling trust.

We all have these needs in our relationships, but we all prioritize them a little differently. And disproportionately valuing one need over the others often causes issues in our relationships that might fifty-fifty develop into long-term patterns.

The key to understanding what went wrong in your past relationships and having better relationships in the futurity is identifying your needs and your partner's needs and finding ways to span them together.

If y'all're someone who can't seem to figure out why your relationships all cease the manner they do or you seem to accept the aforementioned problems in your relationships over and over again, check out my 28-folio ebook that dives deep into emotional needs.